goodbye blogspot.

so i decided for th ' new years that i need new things in my life. along with other new things comes a new blog. so good bye blogspot. catch me on wordpress.

www.dearkaye.wordpress.com

r.i.p. brittany murphy.

rolling with th ' homies...

ice cube said it... "today was a good day".

it's been a really long time since i can actually say that i had a great day th ' whole day. saturday was interesting to say th ' least and i got to spend it with some of my favorite people.

i woke up at early as fuck for a saturday and was LA bound to pick up my cousin to roll to th ' american apparel sale. we got there around ten when it started and there was already a bunch of people there. waiting in line and being patient isn't what me and my cousin are good at. we still waited in line for th ' great fucking deals and left with bags of goodies all for a very low price compared to shopping at th ' actual store.

then we made our way to long beach for th ' district 8 holiday event. it was dope. there was a dj, giveaways, food, and i got a free shirt that i love since i rep for my california all day. watched these niggas skate and jerked and pretty much chilled for a couple hours. it was a great day and i had fun. success!

random. part one.

i took a bunch of pictures of myself after i got ready for my day. i guess i was kind of feeling myself. i'm not sure what i'm going to do today but i'm going to find something. but right now i'm blogging to occupy my time. also i'm spending my time looking at all these tumblrs so i decide i was going to copy and paste some of th ' things i've find into this blog post. random? i know. i'm a random person.

alicia keys is really beautiful.

so this poem is from her book  

Tears Of Water

and it's called "prisoner of words unsaid".

amazinggggg.

I’m a prisoner of words unsaid,
Just lonely feelings,
Locked away in my head.

I trap myself further every time I stay……quite,
I shoot, start to speak,
But I stop and stay silent,
And now I’ve made my own hard bed,
Inside this prison,
Of words unsaid.

P.O.W,
That’s what I am,
Not a prisoner of war,
A prisoner of words.

Mostly I say what you wanna hear,
Could you take it,
If I came clear,
Or would you rather see me stoned,
On a drug of complacency and compromise.

M.I.A,
Guess that’s what I am,
Scraping this cold hard earth for a piece of myself,
For peace in myself.

It’d be easy if you just put me in jail,
If you lock me away,
I’d have someone to blame,
But these bars of steal are of my making,
They surround my mind and have me shaking,
My hands are cuffed behind my back,
I’m a prisoner of the worst kind in fact.

I’m a prisoner of compromise,
A prisoner of compassion,
A prisoner of kindness,
A prisoner of expectation,
A prisoner of my youth,
Runs too fast to be old,
I’ve forgotten what I was told,
Ain’t I sight to behold.

A prisoner of age dying to be young,
To my head is my hand with a gun,
And it’s cold and it’s hard,
Cause there’s nowhere to run,
Where you’ve caged yourself,
By holding your tongue.

I’m a prisoner of words unsaid,
Just lonely feelings,
Locked away in my head.

It’s like solitary confinement,
Every time I stay quite,
I shoot, start to speak but I stop,
And stay silent,
And now I’ve made my own hard bed,
Inside this prison of words unsaid.

"hanging out... down th ' street ... th ' same old thing ... that we did last week ..."

if i still smoked i would want to just sit a circle with some friends filiming each other talking just like they did in that 70's show.

this makes me want to go to disneyland even more. and it makes me hungry. grr.

i've always had a thing for mos def.

i guess not everybody likes drake.

classic. cory and topanga? awesome.

why women cry.

A little boy asked his mother, “Why are you crying?” “Because I’m a woman , ” she told him.

“I don’t understand , ” he said. His Mom just hugged him and said , “And you never will.”

Later the little boy asked his father , “Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?”

“All women cry for no reason , ” was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man , still wondering why women cry…

Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone , he asked , “God , why do women cry so easily?”

God said

“When I made the woman she had to be special.

I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up , and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances , even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife , but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And finally , I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.”

“You see my son , ” said God , “the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears , the figure that she carries , or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes , because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides.”

according to dave letterman.

I don’t know if you’ve heard or watched David Letterman’s Show when he used Filipino-American for his top ten reasons, but this certainly shows we are an emerging group in this diverse society to be featured in Dave’s famous TV show..

TOP TEN: Reasons Why There Couldn’t Be a Filipino-American US President,

10.The White House is not big enough for in-laws and extended relatives.

9. There are not enough parking spaces at the White House for –

2 Honda Civics, 2Toyota Land Cruisers, 3 Toyota Corollas, a Mercedes Benz , BMW , and an MPV (My Pinoy Van).

8. Dignitaries generally are intimidated by eating with their fingers at State dinners …

7. There are too many dining rooms in the White House - where will they put

the picture of the Last Supper?

6. The White House walls are not big enough to hold a pair of giant wooden spoon and fork

5. Secret Service staff won’t respond to ‘psst… psst’ or hoy.hoy hoy

4. Secret Service staff will not be comfortable driving the presidential

car with a Holy Rosary hanging on the rear view mirror, or the statue of the

Santo Nino on the dashboard.

3. No budget allocation to purchase a Karaoke music-machine for every room

in the White House.

2. State dinners do not allow ‘Take Home’.

1. AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON WHY THERE COULDN’T BE A FILIPINO-AMERICAN U.S. PRESIDENT IS…

Air Force One does not allow overweight Balikbayan boxes!

man if you're filipino you know why this shit is hilarious!

juelz santana ft. chris brown - back to th ' crib.

i like this video. glad to see juelz back.
side note: i thought i seen jay-z in this video for a second and was extremely confused. juelz santana, jim jones,  lloyd banks, tony yayo, chris brown, and jay-z all together. th ' video played some more and it wasn't him. looked just like him tho. did ya'll see his look-a-like?

th' bundlr. fuck a snuggie.

i'd rather wear this than a backwards robe.

plus it'll keep my toes warm.

:-)

awesome.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Alicia Keys - Empire State of Mind (Part II) Broken Down
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor U.S. Speedskating

catch me when i fall...

you know when

you’re sitting on a chair

and you lean back

so you’re just on two legs

then you lean too far

and you almost fall over

but at the last second

you catch yourself?

i feel like that all the time. 

i can’t afford to let myself get hurt. 

you know?

this is how i feel about love and relationships. i'm always scared to let somebody fully in and trust them because i'm scared of getting hurt. i really hate that about myself. i know i push people away. now i've found a person who doesn't just let me push them away but actually pulls me in closer. and although i'm scared of trusting this person, i'm more scared of losing this person. i guess that's th ' whole point of love though right? falling but having someone to catch you before you hit th ' ground.

guilty pleasure ; keeping up with th ' kardashians.

th ' new season of keeping up with th ' kardashians premiered last night. i swear this show is my number one guilty pleasure. these females are crazy and i love it.

filipino food.

ok so everybody that knows me personally knows i have a love/hate relationship with filipino food. don't get me wrong i'm definitely proud to be half filipina. my family is always trying to feed me loads of filipino food but i really don't like eating a lot of them. i only eat maybe three or four dishes. some of my favorite dishes include:

lumpia ; which is just filipino style eggrolls. filled with meat and vegetables. fried and dipped in sweet chilli sauce. i could eat enless amounts of these lil fuckers. pretty much my plate at filipino functions is filled with these. i try to make them for myself too but it just takes too long. i just usually buy them at my local seafood city.


pansit ; noodlaes with meat and vegetables cooked in soy sauce. soooooo good. th ' other half of my plate that is not filled with lumpia is filled with a pile of pansit.


leche flan ; dessert pretty much made of eggs, condensed milk, evaporated milk, sugar, and vanilla extract. pretty much a fatt ass orgasm in my mouth. after one bit you can't stop. swear to God.

halo-halo ; dessert i can't really explain what's in it. shaved ice, ice cream, condensed milk, flavored jellies, a peice of leche flan. it's a whole bunch of shit put together. th ' outcome is very delicious. i probably shouldn't have used th ' word shit in my description but trust me when i say that halo-halo is GOOD!

that's pretty much th ' most filipino food that i will ever eat. there will be a few other ones that i'll try if it looks good. but i'm not that into filipino food. i can't stomach th ' thought of eating some filipino food. for example these foods:

adobo chicken ; there's nothing really wrong with it. it just doesn't taste so good to me. it's just boiled chicken in soy sauce and vinegar. it's a pretty basic filipino dish that's a favorite among filipinos except for me.

dinguan; ok this is really gross. apparently a lot of filipinos like it but in my opinion i do not see th ' appeal. it's basically pork cooked in porks BLOOD. yeah i say no to that everytime. plus it's a dark ass brown color that just doesn't sit too well with me.

balut ; this is something i can't stomach. a lot of my family members eat this but it's just disgusting to me. it's an egg that's boiled but instead of actual egg it's a baby chick in there. barely full grown and they get boiled and eaten. suck th ' juice out and shit. oh God. it's gross just thinking about it. especially watching my lil' cousin eat it and tell me th ' head is th ' best part.

lechon ; obviously you can tell what it is. it's a roasted pig. walking into a filipino function and you'll see one of these on th ' table. i just can't stomach cutting into a pig when it's staring at me. blah. almost makes me want to be a vegetarian.

now this is just my taste preference. i don't mean to offend anybody who likes or dsilikes any of these foods. just my personal opinion. everything should at least just be tried once though before making an informed decision.

common - go.

only common can rap about fucking and make it sound like a deeper experience to me.

lauryn hill ; best female rapper.

"I used to do it for the love a long time ago and all I ever wanted was love. I used to love without fear a long time ago and all I ever wanted was love. Then somebody came around and tried to hurt me, tried to make me feel like I was unworthy. Took a pure love and tried to make it dirty. Truth was they never did deserve me."

-Lauryn Hill

story of my life.

words to live by.

"People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they’re right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but God and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

west coastttt.

"You can spend hours, days, weeks or even month overseeing a situation; trying to put the peices together, justifying what could of happened or should of happened. or you could leave the peices on the floor and move the fuck on."

Tupac.






there are days when i'll just lay in my room and listen to tupac. i don't think that a rapper has ever gotten to me so deep with his lyrics besides eminem. i wonder what music would be like if he was still alive. or how th ' west coast would be. i really think it'd be way different than what it is now. tupac is just inspiring all around though. one of my favorite rappers of all time.

self love.

masturbation is ok. if men can do it then what's so wrong about females doing it? women talk about themselves masturbating like it's so disgusting. really? i think it's great. if you're horny go for it. i mean really being sexually frustrated just makes you mad so relieve a little bit of stress. it's alright. and if you're single and don't really feel like going out and fucking random men then your hand can be your best friend. or if your man is too far away to give you some loving, loving yourself is th ' way to go. like really? get over it. everybody does it. and it's pretty much th ' safest sex that you can practice other than abstinence. hooray for masturbation!

everybody say awww.

Here’s a funny fact. Join your two hands as shown above.
Let’s start : The thumb represents your parents. Now try seperating them apart, and they’ll easily open. They easily seperate because you are not destined to live with your parents forever. Now join the two thumbs back together.

• The thumb represents your parents. Now try seperating them apart, and they’ll easily open. They easily seperate because you are not destined to live with your parents forever. Now join the two thumbs back together.

• Next, separate your index fingers and they will open too because these fingers represent your siblings, and they’ll also lead their own lives in the future.

• The middle fingers represent yourself.

• Next separate your pinky (little) fingers. These fingers with open as well because, they represent your kids, who will also have a different life from yours, eventually.

• Lastly, try opening your ring fingers. You can’t right, this is because the ring finger represents both you & your spouse & no matter what you’ll remain together for the rest of your life.

what happened nicki?

i'm sorry i really don't get it. i've been hearing all this hype about how great nicki minaj. how she's th ' baddest bitch and such. and i really don't get th ' hype. maybe it's just me but she seems basic to me. nothing special. nothing really seperates her from lil' kim, jackie-o, trina, or foxy brown. lyrically she was dope. i said WAS. i don't know what happened to her. when she first came out she was pretty good. nothing too much different from what i hear from most female rappers. th ' raps about sex and being a ride or die bitch and such. so i repeat i don't really see th ' hype about her. it may sound like i'm hating and i might be. no scratch that. just because i don't like something doesn't mean i'm hating. it just means i don't like something. nicki minaj, to me, has just been going downhill from when she first came out. from music to her style it's just a thumbs down from me. it's just such a difference a couple years makes. from th ' picture below to yesterday on 106th and park above. what happened nicki?

well said.

“See we forgot to teach the kids, the generation up under us, the business of just being cool. See we messed around a let cool go out of style. Now they replaced cool with hard. Now ain’t nobody cool no more, everybody wants to be hard. Once you take cool out the business, cool affects a lot of stuff.”

“Everybody hard now, don’t nobody talk nice no more. It has resulted in the way we talk to women. We don’t talk to women smooth no more ‘cause we ain’t cool no more…”

“We forgot to teach young boys that men dress for women. You dress up so women can look at you and feel nice about you. These boys now, they dress for each other… All that is so your boy can look at you and go, ‘Yeah, that’s hard.’”

-Steve Harvey

these days a man is supposed to be hard or gangster and not respectful. and as women i think that we contribute to that by not valuing our own worth. people have no respect for each other these days but i feel that it's because nobody really earns it.

in my shoes.

"in my shoes, just to see
what its like, to be me
i'll be you, lets trade shoes
just to see what id be like
to feel your pain, you feel mine
go inside each others minds
just to see what we’d find
look at shit through each others eyes
don’t let them say you ain't beautiful
they can all get fucked just stay true to you
don't matter saying you ain't beautiful
they can all get fucked just stay true to you"

-eminem

living to die.

two of my favorite tv shows are law and order: svu and law and order: criminal intent. they always seem to be on and i'm always watching them. all th ' murder, crime, and mystery is all entertaining to me. when watching all th ' stuff happening on tv i never even think that it's a possibility that these crimes could happen to me or people that i know. but it is a possibility. i'm not exactly protecting myself for an attack now i am i? but nobody really is. we just live our lives and that's what we're supposed to do. trying to live in a bubble is almost impossible for most people. we take risks everyday of our lives just stepping out th ' house. in fact we take risks just breathing and living. it's strange to me how some people are so paranoid about th ' world around them. trying to protect themselves and their loved ones from anything that could do them harm. it's hard just living. i sound extremely cynical right now but it's th ' truth. just living is dangerous.

black mamba.

last night my timeline on twitter filled up with nothing but tweets about kobe bryant. obviously because this shot was amazing! but i'm not too surprised. kobe bryant is th ' greatest player in th ' league right now. MVP! another world championship. yeah that's what i think.
watching this shot though... through my perverted mind. a kobe bryant, derek fisher, and shannon brown sandwich sounds kinda nice. haha.

@RevRunWisdom

i got to admit that i'm addicted to twitter. some people have interesting things to tweet and some others don't. a person who always keeps my timeline interesting and inspirational is REV RUN. so i thought i would share my top twenty five latest favorite tweets of his.

1. Listen : This relationship thing is not only about finding the right partner but being the right partner.

2. Stop telling God how big your problems are, and start telling your problems how big your GOD IS!

3. They put a rat in a tub in darkness, he lasted three minutes; same rat, same tub, WITH light. 36 hrs! Stay in the light! I'm just saying.

4. One of the true characteristics of ignorance is arrogance.

5. Say what you want but at the end of the day ALL we have is how we treat each other.

6. If you can't change the things around you, THEN CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK ABOUT THEM!! Period.

7. This is the secret. "Pray like everything depended on your prayers and work like everything depended on your work".

8. WIN = (W)HAT (I) (N)EED. w.i.n.

9. Again I ask, If winning isn't everything, then why do they keep score? Just a question.

10. You are unique, stop trying to fit in!! THE ONLY PLACE YOU NEED TO FIT IN IS YOUR OWN SKIN!

11. Faith will conect you to the spirit of faith, dear will connect you to the spirit of fear. Choose.

12. Being happy is a habit. Unfortunately, so i being sad. Choose.

13. LOVE YOURSELF enough TO CLEARLY see when people are not good for you. STOP STOP STOP making excuses for folks! Clean up your like!

14. If you're a side chick and you marry that man, remember, that side chick position is now open again. I'm just saying.

15. Ladies and Gentlemen: Never smother your mate, relationships CAN NOT grow in the shade.

16. Those who hate must have once love very deeply.

17. Be around what you TRULY want to be around. That's happiness.

18. Remember. If people aren't adding to you, they're subtracting from you. If they're not multiplying you, they're dividing you. Real talk.

19. People who lie for you, will also lie to you. Please believe it!

20. The key to any lasting relationship is knowing when to be close and knowing when to give room. Just saying.

21. Ladies: Trying to forget someone you love, is like trying to remember someone you never knew... Impossible!

22. Hate will take you further than you wanna go, keep you longer than you wanna stay, and charge you more than you wanna pay.

23. Sadness may cause you to build walls, but don't do it. Those same walls can keep out joy too.

24. You were born with wings, why in the HELL would you prefer to crawl through life?!?! 

25. To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is, a dissatifaction with self.

he has some great insight on life. so if you have a twitter follow Rev Run at twitter.com/RevRunWisdom and while you're at it follow me at twitter.com/abcdefghijkaye.

it's a photoshoot.

" when i look in the mirror and the only one there is me

every freckle on my face is where it's supposed to be

and i know our creator didn't make no mistakes on me

my feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes; i'm lovin' what i see. "

so i decided to post th ' same picture of me twice. one's edited and th ' other isn't. you should be able to guess which is which. so this blog post is about people editing their pictures to th ' point that they don't even look like themselves. i'm guilty of that obviously. not to alter my appearance but to make th ' amateur pictures i take look more artistic. everybody that knows me knows i look like my picture anyways. some people don't look like their pictures. off myspace, facebook, and etc. i don't really understand people editing themselves to look better cuhz i think it's kind of lame. insecure. fail! and i hear my friends complaining about that all th ' time. in my head i'm thinking well that's what you get for meeting strangers off th ' internet. hahah. but obviously it's really common for people to meet each other off th ' internet especially if you have mutual friends. just know what you're getting into.

mind sex.

" she smiles, i smile. she walks, no she glides softly by me changing night into day. she opens her mouth to speak, and so sounds ring in my head. she speaks, and i want to dance to her rhythm. she moves ever so gently, increasing my desires, as i place my arms around her waist, hold and squeeze unto me, i want to melt into her body, and discover the base of her warmth. her beautiful black body that, no human mind could ever conceive. she's love, she's truth, she's real, as real as the stars that shine in the heavens. as real as the sun that bathes her body, as real as the moon that glows and the birds that sing and the rose that blossoms in spring for she is that rose. and not just any rose, but a black rose, black rose stands tall and stronger than any other plant. a black rose, that stands as creator, of nations of black rose. that never loses her petals, and blossoms all year round. black rose, sweet rose, thornless rose, eternal rose. 

please look my way, please look my way, please look my way, black rose "

candy addict.

learn.

Men suck at eating pussy. Not because they don’t like it but because it’s really fucking hard. You have to learn it. Giving good head is the key to just about everything in life (including getting good head later on), so it’s time we broke it down.

Like this. The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can’t read the emotional road signs, you’re going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face. Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, “although I am about to rock your insides with 3 000 lbs. of explosives, here’s a little intimate treat session to show you how I really feel.” Instead of screaming “OH MY GOD!!” like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous “ooohmygodohmygod-ohmygod.” Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik. A good mange (that’s French for “eat,” you brutes) is like a thousand years of Saturdays or one of those Flake adverts. Break it down!

BE DOWN

Don’t go down unless you’re down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you don’t want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes get forgiven. DON’T SAY HI TO DRY A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for awhile. Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little fingerial coaxing is all that’s needed to get the honey dripping. Once you’re sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, TEASING strokes with your finger. There’s nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure she’s really begging for it before you get under the covers.

Extra tip: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can share like a 1950s milkshake with two straws.

Important: Don’t play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the TEASE factor. Try to remember that 78% of a woman’s pleasure is about YEARNING. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.

SUBMARINE MISSION FOR YOU, BABY

Once she’s lathered up, it’s time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and don’t touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like you’re going away on vacation. Though it’s very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood. Start by kissing her boobs and stomach and slowly working your way down. Don’t get carried away with those stupid tits, though. That’s something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now it’s all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move towards the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her cunt, then skip across it and head for the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time in the long run. When you’re just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Don’t spend too long there or she might start to think that you think that’s the actual cunt. By now she should be DYING for you to make your move. If you’re doing it right, she’ll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. STRETCH THIS PHASE OUT until she looks like she’s been holding her breath for three days.

Extra trick: Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think you’re having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all knows that motherfucker smells sweeter than a bowl of steamin’ crawdaddies.

Important: Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.

PARTING THE RED SEAS

Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what cavities are to dental hygiene. You’re never going to be able to identify all the parts if she looks like that PIL album That What is Not. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet.

THE GRAND ENTRANCE

Do your first lick super slow. It’s good to groan and moan too. It shows you’re digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these “St. Bernard licks” before moving on (take it REALLY SLOW, like four seconds per lick). This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If it’s real sensitive she’ll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you’re probably in for an easy ride. If there’s no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you’re in for a thirty-minute session of tongue-tendinitis.

ROCK THE BOAT

Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If you’re getting tired of being ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little bastard who’s boss. After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. He’s surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden you’re giving the pee hole the seeing to of its life. Think of the clit like a tumor in a pile of ear lobes. When you push down on the area he’s the only one that can’t be squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention into getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later. Extra important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.

IDENTIFYING THE CLIT TYPE

After the slow licks it’s time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori. Ones that enjoy a serious going over and ones that don’t. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you should dump her right away. Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes and sensitivities, but that doesn’t really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning but the only way to tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach but just do the best you can. All we can tell you is convulsing means take it ease and “Oh my God” means bring it on.

CLITS THAT NEED A SERIOUS GOING OVER

These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now he’s on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an air-tight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. He’s not going to tell you shit because he’s a clit and he has no idea what you’re talking about, but kick his ass anyway. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like it’s too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but it’s a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some tongue fucking. As you’re closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You’re almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics.

Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Mic Mac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale.

Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn’t over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she’s multi-orgasmic you’ll have to keep going until you’ve done the whole routine another four or five times. If you’re not sure what to do, just keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down to pull you off.

CLITS THAT DON’T

Some clits don’t want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple. If you’re getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesn’t cum, you’re going to be in a foul mood, so if it’s too much work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when period week comes around.

THE CONCLUSION

Once you’re done (totally finished) she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the condom on and take her from the quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the cockpit of an F-15.

enjoy.

i didn't write this.

i applaud th ' person who did.

i applaud th ' people who are good at eating pussy.

i applaud th ' people who want to learn how to be good at eating pussy.

it's not funny. it's really not.

lmao.

forgive me.

new moon ; th ' aftermath.

maybe i should go join th ' army now cuhz i saw it twice. lmfao. can't help it. i'm a little bit obsessed but i don't really give a fuck.

sinners.

" I hate purity, I hate goodness. I don't want any virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to their bones. "

- George Orwell

everybody is already corrupt to their bones. i have not yet met one truly honest person. we all sin.

it would be you.

"If you ever took your love away
I can truly say
I'd die right there today
Don't give me the world
I just want my girl.

If I could have anythang
I put it on everythang
That it would be you you you you
I just want you, you, you."

los angeles lakers vs. chicago bulls.

another laker game and this time my best friend randy came along. good times. good game. and of course i got to see shannon brown. but i also found myself crushing on number one on th ' bulls derric rose. he's pretty cute and a good player. i'm a sucker for that. but still th ' lakers are on top. th ' best team right now in my opinion. they are definetly on their way to another championship already. and th ' best player in th ' league right now, kobe bryant, passed kareem abdul-jabbar to become th ' lakers number two all time scorer. greatness, really. i love basketball it's really th ' best sport to play and watch. seesh i can't wait til th ' next laker game.

p.s. that video up there is of shannon brown playing because yessss i am obsessed and i don't care.

new moon.

new moon came out today. tonight at seven. i'm so excited to see it. and even more excited because th ' tickets weren't sold out. most likely because th ' movie theater next to my small town in th ' valley is relatively unknown. oh well. i'd rather see th ' movie than care where i'm seeing it. woot woot. TEAM EDWARD.

toni braxton ft. trey songz - so yesterday

good song. plus trey songz and shannon brown are in this video.i give a thumbs up for toni braxton.

pink cars.

i swear there is nothing i dislike more than pink cars. except maybe those cars that are shaped like a box. i understnad that pink is your favorite color and your life's goal was to be barbie but i have yet to find a pink car that actually looked good. i don't care what kind of car it is. it just doesn't look good.